Monday, January 16, 2012

I Am a Sucker

I stayed late at work tonight, just taking my time cleaning and using the internet. You get different people in the area at different times of the day, and at that time of night one of the local whatever-heads happened to be outside aggressively begging. What I mean by aggressive is yelling "Oi!" and quickly marching up to the person with a "PUH-LEASE give me 20p, PLEASE?!"

When you reject her, she sometimes screams a frustrated "Fuck!"

A person like me could find that endearing, because I believe when she shouts "fuck" that it is sincere and she is desperate for whatever it is that she needs -- but I have rent to pay, I make 4 pounds an hour, and have a hole in my pants and problems of my own and I know the next time I see her she'll recognize me and swarm me like I owe her something like all of the others have done, so I'm sorry. Leave me alone. I have anxiety issues and being yelled at with fucks and shits just makes them worse, lady.

It's a pathetic sight and with her unkempt hair you peg her immediately as being down and out, but when she starts charging at you begging for money you sort of go into evade-mode and don't give her anything at all, even if you might have been feeling generous. The bravado involved is sort of shocking. Here's this 90 pound girl and she doesn't look scared or humiliated, just... frustrated and intent.

I heard her shouts of "Oi!" and watched her through our glass doors thinking Why can't you go away? I want to go to the grocery store after this and I know you're going to harass me on my way and make me feel uncomfortable. Learn to beg better and do it somewhere else. Put on the lame show about how you need 10p for rice and lie if you have to, but just leave me alone. Sincerity doesn't work in this world.

I made a dash outside to gather the chairs and signs, hoping she wouldn't see me, lest my anger or even pity get the better of me. She didn't bother me though, just kept begging the passer-bys.

Two lost, clean looking women came out of the station. The dirty girl charged.

"WHERE DO YOU NEED TO GO?", she demanded. "THE CLOSEST STATION IS THAT WAY!" Only to follow it up with more begging. Then a few more people: Do you have a cigarette? What about 20p then? She failed and failed, and failed then finally some Brixtonite told her to "Fuck off" and she said "No, fuck you."

Everything was finally done in the shop and I packed up and left and headed to the store. I lucked out, she was no where in sight. Good. I want to get my beers and go home as usual and sit in the dark and watch TV and forget all of this. I didn't see her until I got to the entrance of the shop.

When I looked inside I saw five of the guys who run the place struggling with her. There are usually around 10 Pakistani men inside, either standing at the door as security, working the register, or continually restocking. One of them must have seen her try to steal something. As I turned to walk through the doorway, they pulled her inside and swarmed on her. One managed to slam her to the ground on her chest and lay on her back holding her arm behind her like a policeman. She must have coughed up what they wanted because after her repeated shouts of "LET ME GO BRUV!" they finally pushed her out the door. People in line just sort of watched the mayhem. The guys went back to their registers or their other work, business as usual. I just went inside and bought my beer.

A weird sort of conflict went through my head as they wrestled with this girl and then violently threw her down -- a part of it was "You are getting what you deserve" and the other was "Just let her go, why did you have to do that?"

On the way back towards my place I passed by my work and saw I had forgotten to throw away a trash bag. So I grabbed it and went down one of the nearby alleyways to put it in a can. There was the girl again, but this time huddled in the dark against a wall with her knees up to her chest. She was spitting on the ground and looked like she might be crying, but she didn't say a word when I walked by. All I could think of was how she might not deserve whatever she wanted the money for, but she also didn't deserve where she was right now. So on the way back I reached into my pocket to give her the only change I could find. Before I could give it to her she managed to ask "Please, do you have 20p?" But this time it wasn't loud or confident or aggressive, just desperate and nothing else.

"Here's 50," I said, and went on my way.
"THANK YOU!" she said. "Oh, THAAAANK YOUUUU!" she shouted around the corner.

I guess she won in the end.